


Delirious

by Sakura_Lawliet



Category: Banana Bus Squad, H2OVanoss - Fandom
Genre: Implied/Referenced Drinking and Driving, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Illness, Mild Suicidal Thoughts, Paranoia, Schizophrenia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-03-30 05:12:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13943382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sakura_Lawliet/pseuds/Sakura_Lawliet
Summary: White, white, and more white.Why couldn't Jonathan feel himself anymore? He couldn't tell if he was just content or if he was just... void.White, white, and more white.Jonathan was just so tired, suddenly he felt like he couldn't do anything. He always felt like this, he could never get over it, the suffocating cloud.White, white, and more white."I'm Delirious. Who are you?"





	Delirious

**Author's Note:**

> **DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Youtube (obviously) or any of its users. I especially do not own Delirious, Vanoss, I AM WILDCAT, nor any other YouTuber mentioned in this writing piece; they are all owners of their own being. I only take credit for the plot and the story. I do not gain any profit from this.
> 
> **WARNING(S):** Please read and take note of tags. Be cautious and _always_ read with discretion, no matter the story!
> 
> **ADDITIONAL NOTE(S):** Written as a school project for mental health/illness some years ago. I do not have a medical/psychological degree, nor do I have Schizophrenia, so most of the symptoms and references used were the results of extended research.
> 
> I made up Delirious' last name.
> 
> Delirious _is an older work of mine that I haven't rewritten or edited much since I wrote it. The writing isn't how I write currently, so please be wary of mistakes or any cringe it may have. I keep it up to help me see the evolution in my writing and because other people seem to enjoy it._

White, white, and more white.

That was what Jonathan saw. Well, that's what his brain was telling him. He was locked away, and this white room seemed never ending, Jonathan just couldn't stand it. It was too bright, he'd rather have his eyes sewed shut.

White, white, and more white.

Why was Jonathan even here again? Why was Jonathan enduring this? Well, it wasn't like Jonathan could leave though. The doors were always locked from the outside, and his white room seemed to suck all his energy away. Everything was just so boring.

White, white, and more white.

Why couldn't Jonathan feel himself anymore? He couldn't tell if he was just content or if he was just... void. Sometimes he could feel himself light up like fire inside, he knew when he was angry; he would shout and scream at the white walls, even when they didn't really do anything to him. He just felt so angry, like, why was he here? What did he do to warrant such torture?

White, white, and more white.

White, white, and more white.

White, white, and more white.

Jonathan was just so tired, suddenly he felt like he couldn't do anything. Even staring at the plain, white walls of his locked room made him feel like there was a thick, dark cloud hanging over him. He always felt like this, he could never get over it, the suffocating cloud.

Although, his sense of momentary peace, if you could call it that, started to dissipate; shivers crawling up his spine as he recognized the familiar feeling of eyes on him.

Opening his own blue orbs, he tried to search for the always prying eyes, but to his confusion, he found something else. He couldn't find any eyes, no, however he seemed to be in another place. There was no white, there were dark grey walls instead. It was more soft on his eyes than the harsh, blaring white walls that his room always had and he appreciated it. That was until he started to recognize the place he was in. He shut his eyes tightly in a slight panic, opting to play his usual game to distract himself.

Grey, grey, and more grey.

Grey, grey, and more grey.

Grey, grey and more grey.

Grey, grey, an-

"Hello." Suddenly, Jonathan was sitting up straight in his chair, how he got here wasn't any different than usual, he can't seem to remember anything these days anymore. "You're Jonathan, yes?"

Only white. Maybe even grey at this point.

Jonathan opened his startled dark blue eyes, wondering how he didn't hear the door open. "D-Don't call me that," he growled, his narrowed eyes examining the young male before him clad in that familiar stark, white lab coat.

The intruding male only smiled softly, his warm brown, almost honey colored, eyes not wavering from Jonathan's ice, cold ones. "Sorry, I should have asked for your name anyway, most around here call you by patient number, it makes me uncomfortable though."

Jonathan's eyes and mind were distracted from the brown haired male, instead glancing towards the harsh, white lab coat. Jonathan hated white, did he know that? He should, he most likely looked over Jonathan's file about a thousand times, like everyone else. Although, everyone usually wore white to spite him. They put him in a white room to spite him. Everything was done to spite him, make him angry... At least then he would feel something, though.

"Oh?" Jonathan was brought back to his new doctor, one he's never met before. Where did his last one go? "Do you not like this?" He picked at the lab coat, a large reassuring grin on his face. "I'll take it off, I don't like it either, to be honest." And he did, he took off the annoying white lab coat that made Jonathan feel so, so very uncomfortable.

Hanging the white cloth over the back of a chair, he moved to sit in front of Jonathan. "So, what would you like me to call you?"

Jonathan frowned, "You should know already."

The younger male tilted his head in confusion, "Is that so? I'm afraid that I don't though."

_He's a liar._

_Everyone always lies._

_You know this._

Jonathan flinched, the weird voices that he's tried many times over to convince himself were just his own thoughts. But sometimes, Jonathan felt like he  _wasn't_ Jonathan. He felt like these weren't  _his_ thoughts, but that was absurd. Who else could they belong to?

"Delirious." Jonathan murmured.

"Hmm?" The young doctor perked up, "What?"

"I'm Delirious. Who are you?"

Another smile, Jonathan swore he was sick of them already, but something else inside of him found them the slightest bit comforting. Maybe... maybe even  _familiar_.

_Absurd._

_You're always absurd._

_You can never be normal._

"I'm Evan, don't even worry about calling me doctor or mister. It's nice to meet you."

Why did that name strike such a deep cord within Jonathan? It made his body freeze as his heart lurched painfully against his ribs, but he ignored it. He ignored it to the best of his abilities.

"Don't lie to me."

Evan blinked as he leaned back in surprise. "I'm not a liar, Delirious. Even if I were to lie, I'm not very good at it, you would be able to tell in seconds."

There was nothing said on Jonathan's part and Evan only sighed, going back to his smiling self.

"You know, I'm really sorry, but I didn't come here just to introduce myself," his smile turned a little bitter, his eyes sympathetic. "I came here to talk, and not about... random stuff. I want to know what happened. I want to know what happened to Jonathan Wren."

Jonathan slumped in his chair. "Where is my other doctor?" He tried. Of course they wanted to know stuff Jonathan never, ever desired to relive. He was convinced they were over with him and his past a long time ago.

_Your mistakes._

_Your faults._

_Your screw ups._

"Unfortunately, he's on leave. He got into a small accident, and won't be returning for a few weeks." Jonathan bit his lip.

"A car accident?" He immediately asked, making Evan perk up once more. Jonathan scowled at his mistake.

"Why do you ask that? Does a car accident mean something to you?" Evan quickly responded.

Jonathan was starting to get a headache. "No," he replied softly. "If my doctor isn't here, than why can't I have a break as well? I don't want to talk about anything. Everyone already knows everything about me." Jonathan just really wanted to leave this room, even if it was this young male instead of his other doctor, the one with a mean attitude. The one who always tried to spite him and make him angry so that the other nasty workers could prick him with needles.

Evan sighed, "You know we can't just stop your treatment, Delirious. I'm here to take the place of your regular doctor, so please, feel comfortable enough to continue. This is the fastest way to your recov-"

"Shut up!" Jonathan angrily burst, face flushed red and eyes narrowed into blue slits. "We both know I'm never gonna leave here! I'm stuck here! They've labeled me as 'crazy', I'm 'loony', why the fuck else would I be here!?" He shouted.

"Do you know why you're here, Delirious?" Evan started calmly. "You aren't crazy, or loony, I assure you."

" _Don't lie to me_!" Jonathan growled lowly. "I'm stuck in this god-awful place because I'm _different_. I'm different, I'm a  _danger_. I'm a threat to society, and to  _myself_."

"Why, Delirious? Explain to me why."

Jonathan stood up from his chair in a rush, knocking the poor thing to the floor as he walked away from Evan. He gripped at his long black hair and pulled in frustration, back still facing Evan.

"I don't know!"

"We both know that you do."

Jonathan made a harsh guttural noise, that would almost have sounded like a whimper had Jonathan allowed such a weak sound come from himself. "Stop, please stop." There was just so many things, so many words he wanted to say, wanted to scream, but he couldn't.  **He just couldn't.**

"Continue, Delirious." Evan encouraged. "You're doing so well. Admit to everything. Let it all out."

_This is all your fault._

_You're disgusting._

_Worthless._

_You make everything wrong._

_You shouldn't even be alive._

_You should have died._

_You should be dead._

"No!" Jonathan screamed. "Leave me alone, I swear... I swear to God..." He was feeling those eyes again, but they didn't feel like Evan's warm ones. They were burning his skin, making his insides crawl. It made his body shake with fear and his fingers dig jarringly into his skull.

_You're nuts._

_You're crazy._

_Just like they said._

_You aren't normal._

_You never have been._

_It's no wonder why-_

"Delirious."

And just like that, all the voices were gone, and Jonathan was turning around to stare at Evan with wide, terrified, blue eyes. Momentarily he forgot about the prying eyes, the ones that pierced his very skin with their stare. Instead he was focused on Evan's warm chocolate orbs.

"You have symptoms of paranoia, depression, isolation, hostility with other cases of anger and aggression, fear, anxiety, memory loss, amnesia, mental confusion, disorientat-"

"Stop..." Jonathan begged. "I don't want anything more, I'm done with this session."

"-ion... and more. I also know you hear voices in your head that no one else can. I've already witnessed most of these symptoms in just this little session, and here," Evan waved a small slip of paper around that Jonathan never noticed before. How did he not notice it? "This is all I have, are your symptoms. Mostly because before I was even allowed to see you, they made me have this and look over it for my 'safety' or something as I refused to read your file."

Delirious felt his hands drop to his sides. "...You haven't read it?"

Evan smiled softly, shaking his head.

Delirious leaned back against the wall behind him, tempting himself to play his familiar game to comfort his suddenly emotionally ruined self, but opted to alternatively think about his breaths. Counting them and trying to steady them.

"What... what do you want from me?" Jonathan asked feeling defeated. His energy was gone again. He just wanted everything to be over. He wanted to go back to sleep, even if his room was made of white walls.

"I want you to talk to me, Delirious."

"But I have nothing more to say!" Jonathan started, "There is nothing more to be said, you must know now!"

"Tell me, Delirious, tell me how." Evan begged, Jonathan found it an odd tone for the younger male to use. "Tell me how you became this way."

"You already know!"

"They said you started to show signs of illness even before-"

"Shut up!"

"Before your friends di-"

" _Shut up_!" Jonathan felt his breathing start to speed up, his heart was beating so fast he could hear it roaring in his ears. His headache was thundering pain all around the inside of his skull. Evan frowned, and Jonathan felt confused at the loathing he felt towards himself for being the reason of Evan's displeasure. Jonathan blinked away the tears gathering at the edge of his watery ocean blues.

"Delirious..." Evan said lowly in a soft tone, "Talking about it will make it better. Just talk to me, I promise I won't hurt you for being open with me."

_It's your fault._

Jonathan caved, "It was my fault..." Jonathan muttered, covering his face with his hands. "I didn't mean for things to happen that way, I didn't want anything to happen at all."

_You're disgusting._

"I should have never suggested we go home that night. I should have just endured, I should have just stayed there for a little while longer." Jonathan slid to the floor, legs too weak to hold him up. "I should have had Tyler drive that night."

_You killed them._

Jonathan shuddered, a shaking mess on the floor. "He would have known what to do, but- but I s-should have done  _something_. I could have turned the wheel or s-swerved, but once I s-saw those headlights coming t-towards us I just... I just  _froze_."

There was silence for a good while, as Jonathan wallowed in forgotten memories and Evan stared blankly at Jonathan's shaking form.

_You're a murderer._

_You're a disgusting human being._

_You should have died instead._

_You should be dead._

_Just die._

"Even if that o-other guy was drinking and driving, I could have  _done something_. I had so many chances to save them, I  _had so many chances_. Why was I so stupid?"

"And-and Evan..." Jonathan let out a dry sob.

"Jonathan." It went over Jonathan's head at how the young male's voice turned into a warning tone.

" _I'm not Jonathan_!" Jonathan spat, "I'm  _Delirious_! I don't, I haven't felt like Jonathan in years, Evan. I'm not Jonathan... I can't be Jonathan. I don't feel like him. Jonathan isn't me, I'm not him."

_Who are you trying to convince?_

_Him or yourself?_

_Jonathan and Delirious are one and the same._

_You know this._

_You both share the same labels._

Delirious was pulling at his hair again, those eyes were tearing into his skin once more. The darkness was eating him alive. "I remember waking up in that hospital room all alone," Jonathan cried, "They t-told me... They told me..." Jonathan breathed in deeply, "T-tyler, Bryce, R-ryan...

" _They're gone_." Jonathan whispered. "They didn't make it. They aren't ever opening their eyes again, Evan..." Jonathan slowly looked up to Evan, his once warm, honey colored eyes a now dull, murky brown.

They looked so dead.

Evan stood up, walking towards Jonathan's crumbled form. "There was a fourth in that car, Jonathan... besides you." Jonathan sobbed as Evan smiled down at him brokenly. "Tell me, Jon, who was it."

"Evan, please." Jonathan begged in a murmur.

Evan's smile fell into a straight line. "Do you know what your main symptom is, Jon?"

"No, stop..."

"I'll see you soon, Jon, and we'll start this all over again. You just won't remember..."

And with a final forced grin from Evan, Jonathan was squeezing his eyes shut tightly, feeling the tears dripping in big globs. "No, please, Evan, don't leave me, I beg you. I don't want to be alone. Please..."

_Why would he stay with you?_

_Why would he want you?_

_You disgusting creature._

_You murderer._

Jonathan opened his eyes again quickly to look for Evan, but to his heart crushing realization, all he saw was white.

He sobbed, feeling his fingers digging into the skin on his inner arms, reopening old wounds from the same past actions. "No, come back here, Evan, I-I can't be alone. I need you..."

_You delusional idiot._

_Everything is a hallucination._

_One you've created for yourself._

_Evan is dead._

_You killed him._

_You murdered him._

_Don't you remember that night?_

_Red, red, and more red._

_Red, red, and more red._

_Red, red, and more red._

_Don't think we never noticed the game you made to replace ours._

_Changing the words won't make you forget._

_We'll never let you forget._

_We're watching you._

_We're loving you._

_Because no one else ever will._

_You'll die, but even then you'll never escape us._

_Delirious you are, and Delirious you'll stay._

_You schizophrenic._

_You lunatic._

"No..." Jonathan covered his ears, but it didn't help to drown out the voices. "No, please... I need-I need Evan... I love him."

_The cycle will just restart._

_Over, and over, and over._

_Because you'll forget._

_And then you'll remember._

_And then you'll forget._

_Red, red, and more red._

White, white, and more white.

_Red, red, and more red._

White, white, and more white.

White, white, and more white.

White, white, and more white.

...That was what Jonathan saw.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on Wattpad the eleventh of February, 2017.
> 
> You can find me on [Tumblr](https://sakura-lawliet.tumblr.com), as well.
> 
> Thank you for reading,  
> ~Sakura


End file.
